$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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