i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
