I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
