I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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