I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
