i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
