I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
