I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
