You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
