I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize