Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So much Jack, so little girl.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
