In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we're making bets on your personal life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
