How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
