She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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