he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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