thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
