Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
