I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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