Im at strip club and am horny
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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