Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
