Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
