I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
