Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize