so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
