I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
