that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
There's even glitter on my cock...
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