I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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