I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
where does the pee come out of this thing
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
