I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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