I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
