you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
