Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
