I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
