saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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