My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This house was built for laser tag.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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