i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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