Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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