Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize