I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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