his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
