as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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