You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
