At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How external is "for external use only"?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
