i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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