I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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