I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
