he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
