dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
