I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
