I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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