Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
