I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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