i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
