mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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