I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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