Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
